4 Steps for Keeping a Residency Romance Alive and Thriving
Social Scientist Ruth Diaz experienced her first date with a medical resident on his only day off that month. Strolling through a garden in Portland, Oregon, they felt a comfortable familiarity that soon blossomed into love.
However, after several months, their relationship deteriorated due to missed holidays, communication breakdowns, and cold dinners, culminating in an end within a year.
Packed schedules, physical and mental exhaustion can heavily impact residents’ personal lives. Maintaining physical presence with romantic partners, let alone emotional support, can be a daunting task. While some couples manage to navigate these challenges, for many, the demands of residency often wreak havoc on romance.
Interestingly, deteriorating relationships might signify broader struggles. A 2022 study in the Journal of Neurosurgery revealed that partners of residents who expressed relationship dissatisfaction also reported higher levels of burnout and lack of work-life balance among their resident partners.
Diaz shared her perspective on the breakup by comparing it to the Titanic’s analysis. “Part of it was a guy who wanted to retire and went really fast. Part of it was they built the ship badly. Part of it was the weather changes and the bad technology. Still, I think among all the pressures on our relationship, residency was the iceberg.”
So, what distinguishes partnerships that navigate the residency iceberg from those that hit it head-on? Medscape Medical News reached out to residents and experts for a four-step relationship treatment plan.
Step #1: Adjust Your Relationship With Time
One common challenge for couples in residency is the lack of time spent together.
Hiba Hadadin, MD, and Yazan Hijazein, MD tied the knot on June 15, 2024, in their home country of Jordan. Just four days later, they set off for Louisiana to begin their residency at LSU Shreveport—she in pediatrics and he in internal medicine.
For a honeymoon, they scheduled their limited days off to travel to nearby states, which Hadadin humorously referred to as their “honeymoon.”
Entering residency through the National Resident Matching Program couples match program, Hadadin and Hijazein showed that about 58.5% of healthcare professionals in relationships often date within their field, attracted by the ease of meeting others in the same field and an understanding of residency demands.
Though dating other residents may be easier, it still comes with challenges. Hadadin and Hijazein seldom share the same day off, leading their romantic dates to largely resemble lunches together in the hospital cafeteria.
Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a couples therapist who specializes in healthcare workers, described her own engagement during her husband’s surgery rotation, noting, “He successfully negotiated for a ‘golden weekend,’ or what we normal people call a ‘weekend.’”
Epstein warns that the only consistent factor in residency schedules is change. Couples must continuously adapt, planning their time together and being intentional with it.
“The schedule makes it nearly impossible to get into a rhythm,” she stated, explaining that mapping out their calendar became a necessity. Adjusting soon became the status quo.
Intentionality and creativity in planning time together can help couples navigate erratic schedules. Carl G. Streed Jr., MD, met and got engaged to his husband Chad Rubalcaba before starting his residency in 2014. Since they couldn’t guarantee days off for anniversaries, they established a practice of celebrating “monthiversaries” each time Streed had that night off, amassing nearly 200 celebrations to date.
Epstein encourages couples to dedicate time, even just a few minutes throughout the week, to check in and connect during busy periods. This intentional communication fosters understanding and support.
When asked how they managed to survive residency, Hadadin, Streed, and Rubalcaba emphasized the importance of acknowledging the temporary nature of training.
“Knowing that residency is not forever is what keeps me going,” Hadadin expressed. “Some days may feel unbearable, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. This lifestyle won’t be our norm five years from now.”
Step #2: Frame Residency Like an Illness
Long hours and looming exams can leave residents emotionally drained, even during their off days. Diaz remembered studying with her ex-partner at coffee shops late into the night, where basic survival needs became their primary concern.
“Our connection couldn’t surpass the basic functions of our bodies; we were merely eating, sleeping, drinking water, and searching for a brief look at nature now and then. By the end of his shifts, he was often in a semi-dissociative haze,” posted Diaz.
Streed recalled feeling similarly drained from the emotional toll of working in the ICU, leading to diminished emotional availability. A lack of energy significantly impacts dual-healthcare couples as well. At one point, Hadadin and Hijazein went ten consecutive days without seeing each other due to differing shifts, resulting in struggles to reconnect when they finally met again.
To navigate the challenges of residency, it’s essential to manage expectations. “Invite anyone dating a resident to view residency as an illness, albeit a chosen one, characterized by inhuman strain and suffering,” Diaz advised. Recognizing the need for nurturing during this period is crucial.
However, it’s crucial to clarify that the energy required to nurture exhausted residents shouldn’t only fall on non-resident partners. Epstein cautioned against “ranking stress,” reminding partners that their individual experiences are valid, regardless of the visible stresses.
Step #3: Prevent Resentment
When Hadadin wakes up on her single day off weekly, her initial task is to clean the house. However, when her residency schedule interferes with household chores, her husband contributes by picking up the slack, and vice versa.
“Both of us understand how chaotic our schedules can be, so we strive to be considerate of each other’s responsibilities. I feel fortunate to have a partner who lends a hand and understands my busyness,” said Hadadin.
Yet, when chores such as cooking and cleaning get neglected due to residency demands, frustration often builds, with one partner typically assuming the bulk of these responsibilities, frequently affecting female partners in heterosexual relationships.
Epstein described her personal experience with the resulting resentment. As she took on a greater share of domestic duties during her husband’s residency, this dynamic continued during his busy work periods.
“The key is ensuring both of us recognize what’s occurring, making plans for my needs when he can be less available, and ensuring his reconnection afterward,” said Epstein. By being aware of what can create resentment, couples can strategize preventative measures.
While maintaining balance is essential, it’s crucial to acknowledge that the division of responsibilities might not always be equal. Streed and Rubalcaba included this understanding in their wedding vows, opting for a 60/40 split in terms of necessity during residency.
Even day-to-day tasks can foster romance; for Streed, cherished memories during residency included his husband bringing home-cooked meals during long shifts.
Step #4: Train for the Future
While residency is indeed a finite period, Epstein highlights that physicians post-training still face long and irregular hours, though less so. Instead of perceiving residency as isolated, viewing it as a rigorous preparation phase for their ongoing life challenges can prove beneficial for couples.
“Some couples operate under a postponement mentality, merely seeking to reach the other side, but I’ve counseled many who, after training, lacked intentional communication and are now struggling with unresolved issues,” she explained.
Diaz also recommends that residents acknowledge and process their residency impacts while considering therapy post-training. “Even if everything seems fine on the surface, your partner could be harboring unaddressed wounds that can affect the relationship,” she noted.
By nurturing empathy, upgrading communication skills, and establishing intentional practices, couples can emerge from residency more robust than before.
